So....

I know enough to know that I don't know enough

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Lauren

image

Say hello to Lauren everyone. She is the first member of our team I’d like to introduce you to. My niece, of a sort and the reason I’m involved in this escapade. She is a novice cyclist and here, in her own words, is her training story. Be nice, cos she’s lovely.

“Hello, my name is Lauren. I decided to take up the challenge of the London to Brighton bike ride as it was one of the tasks on my bucket list. I’m trying to achieve as many things as I can during my life, so that I have some amazing tales to tell my children and grand children. I believe that at some point, your life will flash before your eyes, and I want to make sure mine is worth watching!

Upon beginning the training towards this event I would have said I was fairly fit …. it seemed I was totally wrong!! After our first, big bike ride (20 miles) I thought I was at death’s door!! It seemed that all my horse riding, body pump and jogging did nothing to improve how well I could cycle.

And so began the training sessions!!! I started off by cycling to work (8 miles) and at the weekends we would do some fast paced 10-15 milers. Once I started to improve we pushed on with the distance, however, although I was getting much better on the flat, it was the hills that were really doing me in.

For our 3rd big ride (30 miles) we put in 6 hideous climbs!! My biggest achievement so far was managing to climb each and every hill.

We plan to cycle a lot more up until the big day. I just cant wait to cross that finish line and top it off with a nice, big glass of malibu and orange!!”

See? I told you she was lovely. Now don’t let all that blood, sweat and malibu go to waste and get sponsoring!

http://www.justgiving.com/abers1

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Luton To London To Brighton

I’ve got an itch. No, not that sort of itch of you naughty thing, at least, I don’t think it is.  It’s an itch to do something different, a little silly, a little testing, a little daunting and with a decent chance of me ending up looking a bit of a tit.  A recent invite from Lauren, my sort of niece (it’s complicated) gave me the means to scratch this particular itch.

Hi, I’m Rob Palmer and you may remember me from previous cycling adventures such as Cycle Thru 8 and the Aspley 500.

Lauren, together with her boyfriend Wayne and their good friends Maz and Joe had signed up to do this year’s London to Brighton bike ride on Sunday June 16th, as organised by the brilliant British Heart Foundation. And in order to bring the average age of the team up somewhat, I was asked if I’d like to join them.

The London to Brighton ride is a well established annual event, taking a 54 mile route from Clapham Common to Brighton seafront, ridden by around 30,000 people and raising much needed funds for the BHF.  So yes, I will be asking for a little of your hard earned at some point in the very near future. In fact a link should be arriving any minute now…..

http://www.justgiving.com/abers1

Now, to perhaps tempt a few more pennies out of your good selves, I have decided to increase the chances of me failing miserably by cycling the 40 miles from my flat in Luton down to the start, which will involve setting off at first light, some frantic navigation through central London and hoping desperately that I don’t get a puncture as I’ve no idea how to mend one. 

See? I am eagerly trying to chomp off more than I can chew, which increases the chances of you being able to revel in my misfortune and I ending up looking like the aforementioned tit.

In the coming days I will introduce you to the rest of the team and also let you know how, if you do decide to honour me with your sponsorship via Twitter, you will receive your very own personalised thank you photo, live from the course, on the day.

I will ease off now, lest the excitement of this missive leaves you with palpitations and the vapours, but in the meantime, here’s that link again. Click it you sexy beasts, you know you want to.

http://www.justgiving.com/abers1

http://www.bhf.org.uk/get-involved/events/bike-rides/london-to-brighton/london-to-brighton.aspx

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Ben

Today I ache.  My shoulders, my thighs, my knee, my unmentionables.  All ache. Not horrifically so, but just enough to remind me that yesterday I did my longest single cycle ride so far of 68 miles.  So I feel the discomfort, try to accept it, because I know worse is to come.  Much worse.  The draining, sapping fatigue, the muscle spasms, the dehydration.  Day after day.  Dark thoughts gather.  Nerves twist into fear, which warps into doubt.  What the hell are we letting ourselves in for?

So a boost is good, a lift.  The sort of news that puts a big, stupid grin on your face.  And that is what we’ve got.

Ben is back.

The third member of Cycle Thru 8 and with Paul, the originator of these cycling adventures, is back on board.  Personal circumstances and a ton of Olive coloured fun has limited his training and participation time, but he has agreed to rendevous with us on day four, then follow us in his car as back-up, relieving us of rucksacks, transporting a spare emergency bike and generally offering the sort of support we’ll be desperate for at that stage.

I have talked at length elsewhere about Ben’s calm pragmatism and his dogged determination.  He knows better than most what this sort of undertaking entails and having him along for at least part of the ride will be the perfect, if a little hairy, comfort blanket.

Good news is fuel to us now and this is the best sort of good news.  Bring it.

http://www.justgiving.com/aspley500

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We Continue

Team meeting called last night, this one, by necessity, involving Mum.  A decision needed to be made on the Grand Depart for the Aspley 500.  A delay of a week had been mentioned, but not yet committed to.  The original start is now just two days after Dad’s funeral, but a week’s delay would put it two days after the internment of his ashes.  Mum assured us she would be ok with this second date, she will have friends to stay with her whilst we are away and she knows how important this ride is to us.  Obviously this isn’t ideal circumstances, but we are having to be flexible with our plans and approach.  Cancellation was never an option and to delay any further would narrow daylight hours to such an extent that night time cycling would be a dangerous necessity rather than a possible fall back. The decision was made.  Right or wrong, time will tell, but for now all we can say is that it feels as right as it possibly can.

With departure now set for 2nd October, preparations have to kick into a higher gear.  Paul rode with Simon at the week-end and was pleased to see how well he coped with a swift 35 mile ride.  Both of our bikes are now in for service, to be returned at the end of the week, allowing us our last, long training ride on Saturday.  The plan is for 60+ miles, importantly with packs on for the first time. We will also conduct a full equipment check, before loading the packs (mine graciously donated by Ben) to give us the full experience how the ride proper will feel.

Paul’s back has been declared fit by his osteopath, although we will be taking a generous supply of ibuprofen, just in case.

Sponsorship and support has been amazing.  Please keep both coming.  

We continue.

http://www.justgiving.com/aspley500

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Best Laid Plans

Today we were to train.  Nothing unusual in that, but with a little over three weeks before the start of the Aspley 500, each session has taken on added significance.  And today, our separate efforts were to have been large stepping stones towards our upcoming adventure.

For Paul it was his back.  Still uncomfortable despite a rigorous regime of hot baths and stretching, this was to be his first time aboard the bike since the problem had returned.  And for me I had planned to late enter the Bedford 10k, a sign of my growing confidence that my running is improving after a period of viral-related fatigue.

But it wasn’t to be.

At nine o’clock this morning we were called to the hospice.  Dad had been through a bad night and was still struggling.  All plans were instantly jetisoned as we hurried to his bedside.  Thankfully we were able to witness his ongoing tenacity and stubbornness, as he made some improvement throughout the day.

But another day had slipped by.  Is this foolishness, planning such a testing endeavour whilst Dad battles on with his condition?  Or does his plight, his bravery and the astonishing care he is being given at the hospice fuel us in our determination to see this thing through? 

Time will tell, but I am certain we will be doing our damnedest to make sure it is the latter.

http://www.justgiving.com/aspley500

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Bad Backs and Rucksacks

Four weeks to go before Paul and I launch ourselves into the Aspley 500 and there still seems an intimidating amount of things to do.  Top of the pile has to be - Mend Paul!

Paul’s unpredictable back has given out again, with warning signs coming from the slight knee pain he experienced on Saturday’s 50 miler.  A swift text to his osteopath for an emergency appointment will hopefully remedy this, plus he has two other sessions booked prior to our departure. With these wince-inducing manipulations and Paul’s trademark determination, I am sure he will be fine for the big day.  But as the nerves begin to mount, it is a distraction he could well do without.

Carrying everything we need for the trip ourselves will require sturdy, reliable and most of all, waterproof, rucksacks and after a cursory inspection of the one I have been lent, Paul declared it not fit for purpose.  So, as ever, I am immediately on the scrounge.  If you are reading this, own a rucksack that fits the above description and are prepared to allow me to lug it to Wales and back, I would be much obliged.

After the initial astonishing surge of sponsorship, donations have somewhat slowed. So predictably here’s the link to the Just Giving web-site and if you could consider chucking something our way, it will certainly help inspire us in what will be the toughest physical challenge of our lives.

http://www.justgiving.com/aspley500

2 notes

Race

The call room is quiet.  Athletes pace nervously, some stretch, others adjust shoes, or check fastenings on numbers for the umpteenth time.

Surreptitious looks at fellow competitors, sizing them up, assessing.  The clothing, shoes, appearance, demeanour.  Are they relaxed, keyed up, chatting nervously, focused?  Whilst examining you try to remain remote, detached, concentrating on your own rhythms.  Breathing relaxed and easy, trying not to sweat too much. Nerves will do this, wasting valuable liquid.

The call comes, “Athletes to the track.”  

The lady official, clipboard in hand, waits at the door.  No way back now.  All checks have to be complete, preparation time is over.  

So trust.  Trust in your training, trust in your form, trust in your experience.  

Outside it is blustery and drizzling, a sharp contrast to the air conditioned calm of inside.  Not cold though, some crumb of comfort.

You cross the infield, a blazer clad official leading twelve competitors to the back straight.  No-one talks, all locked in their own thoughts.  Some may glance at the stand for friends or family, whilst for others this would be an unwelcome distraction.

You have five minutes.  Use them well.  Strip off leggings, exposing bare skin to the elements, the breeze feels refreshing, invigorating.  Some strides - short shuttle sprints, designed to raise the heart rate, but equally good to channel the nervous energy plucking at your muscle fibres.  Four, maybe six.  You can sweat now, you need to sweat, this is where the work begins.

You are summoned forward.  Rest of kit removed.  Just vest and shorts now, as lightweight as possible.  A sheen of rain glistens on your skin.  Your number is called, placing you in order behind the start line.  Shoulder to shoulder with your competitors.  Poised, you are acutely aware of the starter’s voice.

Pause.

Then gunshot.

Instinct impells you forward, athletes converge, hunting for the inside line. Legs touch, bumping, jostling, not enough for a recall.  You run confidently, elbows thrust out slightly, creating an area of protection.

You find yourself in second place.  The wind whips down the home straight, buffeting the leader, but in his slipstream you are sheltered.  A near perfect start.

And so it goes on. This is championship racing.  You are here to win.  No working with other competitors to generate a good time.  Here you have to exercise restraint.  Forget the clock, an almost alien concept as so much of what you do is time driven.

So you sit in, allowing your keen leader to pull things along, with the bunch doing the same in your wake.  Twelve and a half laps.

Although the pace is acceptable, it soon begins to hurt.  Try to relax, shoulders, arms, breathing.  Even now demeanour is important.  With every step you are sending messages to your fellow competitors.  All will be getting tired, all will have doubts about their own ability and all will contemplate the possibility that you are feeling better than they.

But of course, what is for them is also for you.  How do they look?  The leader must be confident to take the race on in these conditions.  You can’t see those behind you.  Are they tracking you even as you mark the leader?  Just relax and stay in touch.  One area of confidence, the major weapon in your armoury is your finish.  You doubt any can out kick you in the last moments of the race.  Maybe this is an entirely erroneous opinion, but it matters not.  Your coach, supporters and yourself have instilled this belief.  It is integral to your race plan.

A mile in, the rhythm of the race has settled, you are feeling good.  Stride alters to avoid clipping the heels of the man you are following so closely.  Initial nerves now quelled, you are eager to attack the heart of the race.  You step out from the shelter of the lead runner and the wind buffets you.  Back inside.  The plan.  Stick to the plan.

Second mile, four laps to go.  You feel tired now, trying to avoid the tension that fatigue will bring.  Five minutes of racing remain.  Training, good wishes of friends and family, the distance and time you have taken today to reach the start line, all distilled into the next few minutes.

An attack.  From the dwindling group behind, someone surges.  It’s on.  He passes the leader and yourself, a sudden five metre lead as you head down the back straight.  The gap sticks but does not extend, not a determined break, one fired by panic.  You respond.  Ten strides and the two of you are upon him.  Twenty and you are past. His race is done.  

Three laps.  The skirmish has pushed up the pace.  You don’t look behind (NEVER look behind) but there is no footfall pursuing.  Down to two.  The leader eases back. You decide to test him.  Your turn to surge, fifteen hard strides.  He responds and responds well.  As you enter the last kilometre the roles are reversed. Now you are the hare to his greyhound.

Two laps.  He has you where he wants you.  Instinct tells you the gloves are off, time to race, push on, but he can see everything you do, whilst you nothing of him.  It is not yet time, so you dramatically slow and step to the side.  Into lane two. Almost without realising he draws level, on your inside.  He glances across, uncertain.  Excellent.  Doubt you can and must feed off.  The pace quickens once more.  He covered your break, hauled you back, he should take some confidence from that. You still believe, have to believe in your finish, it’s all there is left now.

One lap.  The bell.  Fight the explosion of adrenalin that courses through your muscles.  You run shoulder to shoulder, another upward shift in momentum.  His intention is to grind you down.  How much have you got left?  When you go, you go.  It will be with everything.  In these last moments he cannot be allowed to get a gap, stick on his shoulder, let him work, attack as late as - 

And you go. Instinct and experience combine.  There is a headwind in the home straight, this needs to be finished before it comes into play.  At two hundred and fifty metres you unleash your sprint.  It is everything you have, all in and it has blown your rival away.  He may respond, but fatigue has dulled his senses, blunted his reactions.

Last bend.  There, ahead, an insignificant white line, one you have already crossed twelve times.  Tunnel vision, locked in.  Maintain form, arms pumping, stride stretching out as muscles contract, infested with lactic acid.  Maintain, maintain, maintain.

Fifty metres.  As suddenly as it came, it goes.  Your last burst has emptied the well, there is nothing left to draw on and for the first time you break the golden rule and glance behind.  The gap is surprisingly large, but also closing.  He has recovered from the shock of your instantaneous attack and is giving chase.  Hard.

Drive, drive for the line.  Beyond the line.  Give nothing away.  You deserve this. You have earned this.  It is rightfully yours.  Take it.

Then relief.  The overriding emotion.  Not jubilation, but relief as you sink to your knees, hands slap against the wet tartan of the track.  Great rasping, shuddering breaths.

For a short while victory has quelled the demon, the urge that drives you on, pushes you to continue.  For now it is quiet.  You have won.  And until training rolls around again, that is all that matters.

23 notes

The Fag Casanova: The Expendables

This isn’t so much a review, as just a loose collection of observations on the film, possibly in a list format to save me having to bother stringing them together with actual sentences. Who knows, it’s exciting isn’t it.

You don’t need a review of this film, it’s exactly what you are expecting….

5 notes

Landry Zahana Oni

Landry Zahana Oni

Height -                     175 cm

Weight -                    68 kg

Date of Birth -              08/08/76

Nationality -                 Ivory Coast

International Hons – 1 appearance each for France U16’s & U 17’s

Few who were there that day will forget the incident which epitomised Landry Zahana Oni’s Luton career.  With the 98-99 season petering out in the doldrums of mid-table obscurity, Luton faced a trip to Northampton’s Sixfields Stadium.  It was a drab end of season affair that so much typified the League 2 (as it was then) years of Lennie Lawrence’s stewardship. 

With Luton trailing by a single goal, Zahana Oni, who had only made brief appearances since signing over 12 months previously, found himself clean through, with only the keeper to beat.  The break stopped many Luton fans in their tracks as they headed forlornly towards the exits, convinced of defeat in another lacklustre performance, but here was a chance to salvage some pride. Collectively the away supporters held their breath.  But he fluffed it, a woefully tame shot trickled wide, sealing Zahana Oni’s fate with Luton fans, as the punchline in jokey lists of underachieving former players.

Starting his career in France with Le Havre, Zahana Oni had looked an encouraging prospect, making a solitary appearance for both France under 16’s and under 17’s.  Like so many of the French team of the time and indeed through to today, he was born in Africa, Ivory Coast to be precise, with immigration to Europe giving him his chance to represent his adopted home.

At the start of the 97-98 season he was brought to Stirling Albion, by then manager Kevin Drinkell, one of an influx of foreign imports signed to compensate for the loss of several key players at the end of the previous season.  This approach though was to be disastrous, with that campaign ending in relegation from the Scottish 1st Division.

Zahana Oni’s contribution was a reasonable 6 goals from 25 starts but this wasn’t enough to convince the new management team that replaced Drinkell over the following close season to retain his services.  He also experienced the ugly side of football, when he made claims of racist chanting against a section of Partick Thistle fans, which were countered by accusations of abusive gestures by the player, aimed at the same supporters.

A move to English non-league side Bromley followed in a season which would end in promotion for the London club.  But Zahana Oni wasn’t around to enjoy the celebrations having left in the January to join our beloved  Luton Town.

It wasn’t to be the most fruitful of periods for the Frenchman, with his appearances limited to 4 full starts and 5 from the bench.  Luton had by this time settled into the 3rd tier of English football, their fall from the top flight temporarily stalled by manager Lennie Lawrence.

After making virtually no impact on the first team Zahana Oni would find himself heading out of the exit door at Luton, preceded by manager Lennie Lawrence as new owners installed club legend Ricky Hill in the managerial hot seat.

A prolonged spell in the footballing wilderness followed for Zahana Oni, with unsuccessful trials in Scotland at Montrose, Ross County and Airdrie and back in England with Dulwich Hamlet.  It wasn’t until November 2001 that he joined Hastings United.

He made an immediate impact for the team in the Doc Martens Eastern league, netting a remarkable 7 goals in his first 6 games, including a hat-trick in a 3-1 win over Dartford, before being sidelined by a fractured cheekbone picked up in a friendly against Sidley.  So aggrieved was Zahana Oni with the challenge which had left him injured that for a while he considered legal action against the opposing player.

Zahana Oni returned to fitness in the January, where he would continue to play regularly, scoring an excellent 11 goals in 22 games as Hastings marched to the league title and promotion to the Doc Martens Premier.

Zahana Oni continued to shine for the south coast club in what was to be a difficult and ultimately disappointing season, ending in relegation back to Division 1. But Zahana Oni had enjoyed another fruitful season managing 42 appearances in all competitions and 11 goals.  The team also enjoyed a prolonged cup run, culminating in an appearance in the first round proper of the FA Cup for the first time in their history.  The run was ended by defeat against Stevenage, in what was a grim day for Zahana Oni as he failed to complete the game after being sent off for violent conduct.

Huge restructuring took place over the summer of 2003 at Hastings, with a new manager, Steve Lovell coming in and all but 2 of the first team squad being moved on.

Over the course of the next year Zahana Oni struggled to find himself a permanent club and after short spells with Carshalton and Bromley, before finally finding a full-time role in Cyprus with AEL Limassol, managed by former Ukranian international, Oleg Protasov.

For the next 2 years Zahana Oni made a number of appearances for a side that failed to rise higher than mid table, with the first season only finishing narrowly above the drop zone from the Cypriot top flight.  With a disappointing 2 goals in his first season, followed by one in his second, he failed to make the impact he surely would have liked.

As the number of appearances Zahana Oni made for the first team shrunk even further, he had short term loans, first in Holland with Roda JC, then in Norway with Molde FK.

At the close of the 2006/7 season at the age of 30, Landry Zahana Oni called time on his career, going into a somewhat early retirement.

1 note

Doors

Footfall on wet paving.  Rapid, uncontrolled, caring not for their next impact.  Breathing jagged, panting.  Stacatto, exherted grunts, unthinking, unbidden.

A light, sapphire blue, pulsing, pulsing, pulsing.  A skitter and skid, rubber sole straining to a halt, leaving just raw, shuddering breaths, caught on the air, brutal against the silence.

Car engine, faint at first, but growing in volume and rhythm with the blue pulse, brighter, nearer, reflected in shimmering puddles.

Skin on brick work.  A hand, pressed flat, oily sweat and moisture intermingling, fingers twitching, nerve endings firing, anticipation.  Fight or flight?

Then sanctuary.

A rectangular patch of light, a living picture obscured by a figure.  Paused at the entrance to the alleyway.  Dark.  Dark and cold.  Instinct takes hold. Moments.  A beat.  Blue again.  Slower.  Sweeping.  Adrenalin crystallising surroundings, clarity. So forward.

Darkness absolute.  No, not absolute.  Light, grey at first ahead.  He moves on, arms outstretched, fingertips straining, eyes wide, desperately absorbing any detail.  A breath, lighter, sweeter than his own.  Cooler.

Out.

A courtyard.  Cobbled.  Waxen moonlight filtered through omniscient clouds, casting a weakened aspect.  A door ahead.  Twelve paces.  Fifteen maximum.  Walls enclose.  Hesitation.  Then voices.  And a light.  A beam.  Strident.  Searching. Searching the passageway behind, running over walls, floor, ceiling.  Hunting.

The door is old.  Flakes of peeled paintwork crackle and break below a rough digital inspection.  Open.  

Must.  

Be.  

Open.  

Door knob, rusty flecks of ore dust against skin.  It turns reluctantly.  Admittance is granted.

Voices.  Footsteps.  Insistent.  From behind.  Purposeful.  Cautious but confident. Approach.

Ker-chick.

The door is closed, sealed.  He is inside.  The smell of age and must.  A single light bulb hangs betwixt ancient cobwebs, its feeble light unable to penetrate the room’s obsidian corners.  And a door. Identical.  Opposite.  Ahead. 

The voices behind echo beneath the door.  Strident.  Determined.

They must not catch him, not this time.  This time he has gone too far.  No slap on the wrist, this is serious.  And they would love to be the ones who took him in. Who finished him.  Ended his freedom.  That cannot happen.

Rushes forward, shouldering the door ahead.  Through and beyond, the voices calling his name growing ever fainter. 

Ker-chick. 

Again.  

Ker-chick.

Ker-chick.

Ker-chick.

Ker-chick…….

His forward progress sends him tumbling across the floor.  Another room.  Another door.  Identical.

Stops mid room.  Looks back through the rapidly narrowing doorway.  Unnerved he reaches out, fingers entreating.  Brushes past and is shut.

Breathing.  Raw.  Echoing.  Eyes dart around.  Two doors.  Opposite each other.

He listens.  Ears straining in the silence.  The voices are no more.  The silence is leaden.  Tongue flicks out, vainly licking at parchment dry lips.  A moment’s thought.

How many rooms was this?  How far had he come?  No sound of pursuit.  But why not.  This was the only escape. 

(The room is the same all the rooms are the same what the hell is going on here)

As before the door ahead opens.  As before the room beyond is indistinguishable.  Another door.  Implaccable.

He releases the handle with a tremble, stepping back, but eyes fixed on the next room, until it disapperars from sight and

(Ker-chick)

this becomes his world again. 

Turns.  And for the first time sees the reverse of the door through which his flight had taken him.  Just a door, a familiar, aged door, its surface stippled by the remnants of ancient paint.  But something was wrong, something was different, something obvious.  Furrowed brow as if seeing the door truely for the first time.

It has no handle.

Involuntarily he steps forward, arms outstretched to where the haft should be, as if enacting its turning would make the thing appear.  He grunts as his hand passes through, the handle of his mind’s eye dissipates in the gloom.  Both hands against the door, feeling its solidity, head bows, forehead resting on wood.

Ker-chick.

Time passes.

Ker-chick.

Bruises appear, scraped knuckles, a trickle of blood from a wounded scalp, a broken fingernail.

Ker-chick.

There is no back, only forward.

Ker-chick.

Through doors.  Or maybe the doors come to him.  Maybe he is now stationary and the world moves around and through.

Ker-chick.

Stumbling on, no longer expecting, hoping.  Resigned, broken, sobbing.

Ker-chick.

Until the first body.  Prostrate on the floor, arms outstretched, cadaverously reaching toward perceived freedom.

Ker-chick.

First of many.

Ker-chick.

And then screaming.  

Ker-chick.

Only screaming.